Me? I'm fucking pissed off.

That's right. I don't think I've ever been this mad at my mom before. She can be such a major flake of a bitch sometimes. Like today. She didn't have the balls or whatever to fucking tell me before I finally worked up the nerve to go back in that she was behind on our payments so they wouldn't be able to do anything for me. I'm fucking miserable all the time right now because of this and I just want to get back on plan and be accomplishing something and be happy with myself for a little while again and she goes and fucks it all up. Five fucking months behind! And because she was paying for mine too and my name is on it I can't start fresh by myself. I have to come up with 300 fucking dollars by Thursday or I'm fucking screwed. AHHHHHHHHH! I haven't cried in a really long time. I was doing so well with that and now I'm so fucking angry I'm crying because apparently that's what I do.

Forgive me for my bad grammar and syntax, I'm not thinking straight I'm so angry right now.

Walking up the stairs to my room I somehow managed to cut my foot pretty badly. What the crap is with that?




So should I update? Should I tell you what's been going on in my life in great detail? I should, but instead you shall receive a glimpse of what's going on:

I've been seeing both Jason and this guy named Billy at the same time now for two or three weeks. I really like Jason more, but Billy is fun too. I'm trying to figure out the right way to bring this subject up with Jason, but I just don't feel like telling him because I don't think anything serious will come of either of these two boys. Does this mean I should find a third with some potential? I'm contemplating it, that's for sure.

I did find a job. It's not the most glamorous job ever conceived but the pay is good and it's not terribly hard work. That's right kids, I'm working at a Speedway. The worst part of it all is that it's mildly physically demanding and that my feet are killing me all the time. Meh. I do have several funny stories to tell about it though, but I'll reserve those for another time.

I've been going out alot more than I used to recently. I'm trying to force myself to get out of the house and be more social. Sometimes I become such a recluse because of my anxiety disorder that I forget I even have friends. I do have friends, I have a bunch of them, I just need to force myself to see them more often.

Ummm... I can't really come up with much else to say right now. If there is something you want to know or read about, let me know and I'll make an effort to put it up here.

A Photo Update

I decided to tell a story of me - of who I am, of what I love, of what hurts me, of what makes me confused - in photos, postsecrets, lyrics, and my own written words. I have a strong feeling this may be a long entry, but it will be worth your time if you read it.


Without further ado...





The Story So Far


I am Evy.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Random%20Me%20Pics/IMG_0187.jpg">


I'm 20 years old for two more months and I think I'm really happy for the first time in a really long time.


http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/alfred.0.jpg">


Yeah, it is a drug induced happiness, at the present, but it's a start. I don't think you can really appreciate something so little as this kind of happiness until you've been as sad and depressed as I was for so long.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Family/n46900171_30009551_1994.jpg">


That's one of the last times I remember being really happy without the help of drugs. It's okay though. The things I've been through, the drugs I take, the friends I've made, they make me who I am.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Random%20Me%20Pics/IMG_0132.jpg">


I love my big sunglasses. I have sensitive eyes and they block the sun out best. I also think I look pretty in them. It's good to feel pretty.


I also like to smirk.


I think it makes me look sexy.


http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/decide.1.jpg">


I learned relatively early in life (I mean, hell, I'm only 20 right now) that you can't force the hands of love and when you try it's not worth it. I'm definitely just going with the flow here. Life isn't worth living if you can't allow things to play out the way they will.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/High%20School/slexevyjulie.jpg">


Sometimes perfection can be
It can be perfect hell


I'm a perfectionist. I'm afraid of failure. I'm anal retentive. I have mild OCD. I have generalized anxiety disorder. I'm bipolar. I get very easily upset in larger groups of people. I bruise too easily. But life is okay.


http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/almost.1.jpg">


I used to have sex with random guys to prove I wasn't worth loving, to prove I wasn't worth anything. Now, the guys I have sex with are because I actually want to do it. I no longer need that validation. I like myself, flaws and all.


I don't use the term "best friend" anymore. I don't have one. I have a handful of close friends that I love more than life. I don't believe family is just about the blood that runs through your veins, but it's about the people you love.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/Witt/n46900171_30046817_3179.jpg">


That's Kristika. She's probably the most like a sister of any friend I've ever had besides my own, actual sister. As different as we are, we have so much in common that I didn't think other people would ever understand about me. I think part of the reason I'm learning to do so well is because I lived with her this last year and because she wrote me that note at senior wills. It's hard to put into words that I know the things I hate about myself are the things she hates about herself too. Because I know that and I know that they are't true about her, I'm learning to know they probably aren't true about me either.


We have such warped ideas of what we actually are.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/Witt/n46900171_30142262_530.jpg">


That picture explains how I feel all too well.


What's in the past is in the past.


I'll still miss South Hall.


Sometimes, the littlest gestures are the ones that touch us the most.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/Witt/n46900171_30077763_22.jpg">


I'm still friends with all of my exes except one. Even if friend is a loose term I use to describe a friendly relationship which has us only talking every so often and wishing well to each other.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/1082594075.jpg">


I didn't have any crushes for a really long time and now I have several. Two of them have resulted in very muddled and complicated relationship status for me.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/24467442_l.jpg">


I'm a vegetarian. I have been a strict vegetarian for about a year and a half now. I had been a selective vegetarian for about 3 years before that.


http://i4.peapod.com/c/SR/SRE57.jpg">


Those are about my favorite food ever. I say I don't have a favorite, but I think I'm lying.


I do too many online surveys when I'm bored.


http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/alcoholic.jpg">


I couldn't find the words to say how I felt about my dad until I read that on postsecret. Now I wonder why I couldn't form them until now.


I spent so much of my life hating myself and thinking I was worthless. Now, I'm petrified of failure. It scares me so much that I don't tell new people I like them easily and I had panic attacks once a week last school year because I didn't think I was doing well enough. I never think I'm doing well enough.


Because of that...


http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/bow3.jpg">


Forgiving and forgetting doesn't come easily to me. I'm working on it.


We're in a restless way
When the fireflies come,
And they light the light
Where there once was none,
I won't think about next week,
I won't think until tomorrow,
Just a sight for sore eyes,
Disguised as a fly.


http://www.abc.net.au/science/scribblygum/december2003/img/firefly.jpg">


I love lightning bugs more than anything else. They remind me of my grandpa; they remind me that we have to make our own light.


PICTURE OF GRANDPA AND ME


The movie Big Fish makes me cry every single time I watch it because it reminds me of my grandpa too.


http://www.hollywoodjesus.com/movie/big_fish/03.jpeg">


A man tells so many stories, that he becomes the stories. They live on after him, and in that way he becomes immortal.


I identify more with several Jimmy Buffet songs than most any other songs, including those of my generation.


Barefoot children in the rain
Got no need to explain
We'd be swingin' on a ball and chain
It's always understood by those who play the game
Barefoot children in the rain


I don't know how I'm still surviving this far from the ocean.


Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call,
Wanted to sail upon your waters
since I was three feet tall.
You've seen it all, you've seen it all.


The one thing that I'm most embarassed of is the fact that I scar very easily. It's one of the main reasons I don't wear anything but pants and no sleevless shirts.


http://www.primitivegirl.com/girls/kelly/sitephotographs/scars.jpg">


No, I don't actually look like that naked and I'm not a cutter. That's someone else, but I feel like I look that bad.


Speaking of cutting...


I've never been a cutter and I've never tried to kill myself. That being said, I used to claw at my own skin just to feel the pain and to know I was alive. I don't remember doing it soemtimes but there were always the marks.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/High%20School/n12900996_30887536_1390.jpg">


I've only been in love once...


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/Witt/n46900268_30078221_4708.jpg">


... but I've told three people I loved them.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/n46900171_30009546_4075.jpg">


To be fair, while I wasn't in love with either Steve or Joe, I did actually love them for who they were, for the friendships we shared, and what they meant to me.


I never say "I love you" to anyone unless I mean it, even if it's not that I'm in love with you.


Suzie: Why do we need boys again?
LS: Boys are the unstable Middle Eastern nations of romance. They're sometimes kind of ugly, usually dry, and don't do things the same way we do. But we put up with it as long as they keep pumping that sweet, sweet crude.


I think most boys are more trouble than they are worth and most girls are too drama prone. That's an interesting predicament to be in as a bi female. I can deal with trouble better than drama though, so I'm friends with and date more guys than girls.


I also read too many webcomics.


I'm lame.


http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comics/20060630.jpg">


I also read a shit ton of gamer comics but I'm not really a gamer, I've just dated too many of them.


My favorite beauty item is my eyeshadow. I don't often really do my makeup, but when I do, my favorite part is my eye makeup. I think I have pretty eyes. I like making them look even prettier.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Random%20Me%20Pics/Mar1434.jpg">


If I were a paper doll, I'd want to look like this.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Random%20Me%20Pics/evy.png">


My mom and my brother are two of my favorite people in the entire world. I love my sister too. I don't get along with my dad. My only real aunt isn't related to me at all...


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Family/565136.jpg">


... and she's a Jedi. Beat that.


I'm a cat lady in training.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Family/IMG_0088.jpg">


I can't help it though. I have a soft spot for animals and would have other types as well if my mom was more okay with them.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Family/IMG_0108.jpg">


Besides, I come by it honestly. I'd be a third generationer on my mom's side.


It bugs me that my little brother has gotten so much bigger and thinner than me. It also bugs me that he sometimes really smells bad and doesn't realize it, but he's my brother so I love him still.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Family/IMG_0101.jpg">


He's also one of my closest friends. Is that weird?


I think I swore off best friends sometime after high school, but this picture has most of my last real best friends in it and one girl who hates me for no real reason.


Again, I don't like girls because they are too much drama.


I stopped creating my own drama and getting involved in drama period about a year ago.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/High%20School/028_24A_0001.jpg">


For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather;
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one has gone astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands.


It's funny how things that used to make me really happy now just feel like obligations.


I hate that.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Kappa%20Delta/n46900171_30009298_7266.jpg">


I like being single.


I don't like dating.


I like being in a committed relationship.


I don't know if I actually want kids anymore.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/Witt/IMG_0020copy.jpg">


The dude on the right is one of my roommates for next year. He's moderately socially awkward and really shy. My big and I have been on a mission to find him someone for a while now, but I can't think of anyone that would just be perfect for him and I don't want to be responsible for a bad relationship, ya know? If you think he's cute, let me know. He's a ton of fun.


My other roommate is crazy fun and has been a close friend of mine since freshman year. She's also inexcusably pretty and has been in China this entire last year.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/Witt/149527688JToSsv_ph.jpg">


I really regre that I let some of my relationships slip so far away in my depression and self-loathing. I know that some of them were for the best, but this one...


How do you try and gain back what you so forcibly pushed away?


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Friends/Witt/99421785UIEvEr_ph.jpg">


Trevor: If you had 1 superhero on 24 hour call to cover your ass in a fight, who would it be?


I'd pick Gambit.


I've always had a crush on him.


It's crazy, I know. He's a make believe comic book and cartoon character, but I love the southern bad ass.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Journal%20Icons%20I%20Have%20Made/It__s_in_His_Kiss_by_PluggedInReady.jpg">


Sometimes I worry I don't like people.


I like being alone.


I like being with just one or two other people.


I love cuddling.


A kiss on my forehead or the top of my head is about the fastest and best way to ensure I will fall for you and Jason has been doing it alot and I think I told him that.


http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/ferris.0.jpg">


I'm trying to learn to not care so much about what others think about me. It's alot harder than I initially thought it was, but I'm making significant progress.


I haven't eaten enough in days and I don't know why. I just haven't had an appetite.


I wish the Staples easy button was real and I owned one.


I'm 20 years old and I have a couple spots of sun damage on my left hand. You see, when you don't burn as a child it's really easy to forget to put sunscreen on. I'm hoping I won't regret that.


I still don't burn, but I wear sunscreen now.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/Loud_Graves_by_SoiledRainbow.jpg">


I wish I was that talented.


Under my "To Do" list on my bulletin board I keep a "Have Done" list the has 17 names written on it.


Those are the 17 boys, guys, men I have slept with.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Rain0rShine/conversation.jpg">


Right now, my favorite part of the day is when he goes to work and starts sending me random messages over myspace.


Yeah, we are dorks.




Songs played during the writing of this post:


You and I Both ~ Jason Mraz
Roses ~ Kanye West
Omaha ~ Counting Crows
Hash Pipe ~ Weezer
No Brakes ~ The Bravery
I So Hate Consequences ~ Relient K
Bruised ~ Jack's Mannequin
Ohio Is for Lovers ~ Hawthorne Heights
Futures ~ Jimmy Eat World
Punk as Fuck ~ The American Analog Set
Roy Walker ~ Belle and Sebastian
All that's Left ~ Thrice
Company Calls Epilogue ~ Death Cab for Cutie
Priests and Paramedics ~ Pedro the Lion
Sorry ~ Daniel Bedingfield
The Last Song ~ The All-American Rejects
She Paints Me Blue ~ Something Corporate
Needle in the Hay ~ Elliot Smith
Pictures of You ~ The Cure
Sally Cinnamon ~ The Stone Roses
The Boy Who Blocked His Own ~ Brand New
Sexy Results ~ Death from above 1979
Fiction (Dreams in Digital) ~ Orgy
On the Verge ~ Le Tigre
Long Goodnight ~ The Get Up Kids
Camisado ~ Panic! at the Disco
I'm a Wicked One ~ The Hives
Heart Shaped Box ~ Nirvana
Please Please Please ~ Head Automatica
Open Your Eyes ~ Goldfinger
Five Days and Counting ~ Spitalfield
Meantime ~ The Futureheads
Capital H ~ Motion City Soundtrack
Gone So Young ~ Amber Pacific
Grand Theft Autumn ~ Fall Out Boy
To Buy a Gun ~ Idiot Pilot

Just a generic update

Yeah, that's pretty much the worst title ever, but you all can deal with it. :-P

I guess I'll start with the morning and work my way until now.

This morning I was woken up at 6:45a by my mother. I had to drive her to work so I could have the car for the day. Normally I would have been okay, but I took my sleeping pill way later than nomral last night so I was still a bit groggy when it came time to drive her in. Thus, she drove herself there and I drove the car home. On the way back that way, after going home and changing, I saw a deer and the car that had hit it. So sad. :( But I still made it to my doctor appointment with plenty of time to spare. Which brings me to some interesting news: Dr. Fazlani asked me a ton of questiongs about how I'm feeling and if I'm improving and the like. We got really indepth with discussion of my anxiety and stress as well as my depression and physical health as well. He's glad to see that Dr. Patel (sleep specialist) put me on Trazadone to help me sleep since it is also an anti-depressant. He was also very "proud" to see that I'm working to really lose weight and have lost as much as I have already - any my blood pressure is waaaaaay lower too but that's also partially a function of my anxiety and depression subsiding some. Though all things are pointing to progress, he did, however, double my dosage of Lexapro again. He's hoping that by really hitting me hard with this dose as well as the Trazadone he'll be able to get me into clinical remission in the next month or two, regarding my mental health. He also thinks, that if I'm sure to get in all my vitamins and echinacea and the like, he should be able to get me to clinical remission with my physical ailments as well. This is super exciting news! But, until I'm close to 100%, he still wants to see me at least every 4 weeks. :-
Following this uplifting appointment, I decided to be proactive and make myself an appointment with the orthopaedic and sports medicine doctor in the office next door. I think I'm fairly pleased with this decision on my behalf. I mean, my shoulder has really started to flare up and cause me some problems again: It aches all the damn time, the joint is stiff, my range of motion is total crap, I'm always uncomfortable, it makes sleeping harder on my body, etc. I'm really hoping and praying I won't need surgery to get it working better, but the longer this goes on, the more likely of an option it becomes. :-P But, with this appointment, I'm hoping to figure out what needs to be done through MRIs and get to it to fix it. Also, I'm hoping to get my left hip looked at since it hasn't been quite normal since that fall freshman year.

Well, following these great adventures I headed to the gym to work out for a piece. I swear to god, the first 5 to 10 minutes I was on the eliptical, one of the male trainers was just staring at me. Tomorrow I'll know to wear a much more controlling sports bra. I mean, it's like the man had never seen boobs before. Yes, I have them. Yes, the are ample. No, I do not particularly care for you getting paid to oogle me while I'm trying to work out. Not cool. But at least it was a great work out. Thirty minutes, high gear, on the eliptical (2.23 miles and 418 calories) and another twelve on the treadmill to help me cool down (.48 miles and 40 calories), plus I did about 5-10 minutes on a bike, but I don't remember what I did because generally I hate those damn things. All told, it was an amazing work out and I felt great afterwards, so I'm going again tomorrow after I drop my mom off at work. :-D

The rest of my day was pretty uneventful: refilled my pill boxes (the one for night has 4 pills a day and the one for day has 9 = 13 pills a day!), ate a little something (though I don't have a real appetite today), took a nice nap, picked up my mom, lounged around reading the paper and lusting after all the great concerts that are coming to town, talked to my dad briefly enough that he knows I'm anticipating going to Zak's thesis show on Sunday and church with mom but will try to make brunch, and wrote this.

Now, after I grab a quick snack (one of my pills makes my tummy very upset if I don't take it with food) and take all my night time pills, I'm headed to read a bit and hit the hey.

Night kids!



Plans for weekend!!

Friday:
-take mom to work
-work out
-shower
-take brother to dad's
-pick mom up from work
-weigh-in
-run by half-priced books :-D
-maybe drop some stuff off at Plato's Closet (I like money!)
-maybe see Saves the Day at Bogart's

Saturday:
-hang around the house getting stuff done
-if the last two non concert items weren't accomplished Friday, do them
-work out
-read?
-???

Sunday:
-church with mom
-brunch with dad, Ian, and Frank (it's my dad's birthday)
-Zak's Thesis Presentation!
-???
-Grey's Anatomy

Single

I'm single again!

Thank god for mutual break ups.

Though, it was pretty clear that was where we were headed these last few days.

So, yeah.

My Dear Steve

I hate this, I honestly do.

I feel like I've already made the decision without even talking to you and that isn't what I wanted to do, but it's not my fault I haven't talked to you. You don't return calls or e-mails. You don't even IM me. You don't do anything to keep this healthy and active and I'm tired of feeling like I'm jumping through hopes to please you and to keep you from being too scared off or insecure. You have some major issues, buddy, and you need to learn to admit this openly and realize that you need help that you are currently unable to give to yourself. Admitting you have a problem and making steps to help it are the first signs of real emotional and life profress.

Why do you close yourself off so fiercly? I've met your family and they seem nice and loving, apart from you brother but even you admit he's definitely the black sheep. I just don't see what in your past made you like this. I understand you've felt the bitter sting of rejection, but we wouldn't be human if we hadn't and, while I generally don't like to compare pains such as this, I have to say mine bit a little harder than yours. That one incident can't really be what's shaping you into this person that you are now. And if it is, you have a very severe case of arrested development. How many years ago was that? That's what I thought.

I don't think that you realize how deeply what you are doing is hurting me. It's like we already are having nothing to do with each other and I don't want that. Even if I do what I'm beginning to think I must, I don't want that to be the end of it all. You are too precious to me. What you've meant to me in recent times is more than anyone has in a long time. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. I don't really know. I just know that right now, I need you to be the opposite of what you are. I need you to not push me to the very back of your mind. I need you to return my calls and e-mails. I need you to make some effort at the maintanence of this, whatever it has become.

I left because I was sick (mentally and physically) and scared of where I was headed and I wanted to get better, I wanted to be me again, that didn't mean I wanted you to act like I was never there in the first place.

I guess what I'm saying is, I love you and you are the first person I've felt this way about in a really long time. It's tearing me up that you are acting this way, no matter your reason, and it's something you should work on or I can't handle the stress and heartahce it's causing me any longer. I'm so happy when I'm with you, but this distance seems terrible and it's nothing like I thought it would be. Maybe when people asked me if we were breaking up while I was away I should have taken it as an omen that we would, and if we don't really talk about this this weekend, we are going to - by my hand. I'd rather have this temporary heart ache than deal with it in this unending cycle.

I love you, Steve, but even your friends think this is getting a bit ridiculous.

Carry On

I read a really good book last week. So good, I devoured it in just above 2 days.

Now, I have this longing to read something heavier, something that requires more thought. I want to read philosophy or history or maybe one of my psych books. Hmmm... maybe I'll try reading more of Nymphomania, it's a pretty good book, actually. I have some text books laying around too, maybe I'll actually really read one of them. Not only will I be getting ahead in classes for next semester, but it will help ease this desire I have to have to really think about something and process it.

I must be feeling better because I haven't had any desire to read anything, let alone something so heavy, in a very long time.

I love my LA counselor, she's amazing. She really is making this process easier and she is so encouraging that even when the scale shows little change, she manages to make me feel really great about it. Also, she's watching me like a hawk because she knows about my bad eat habits, since I told her, and she won't let me slip back into that again, which I appreciate.

And I don't want to do it, but if we don't figure out what's going on here next weekend, I'm going to have to because I can't take the extra heartache and stress from this while I'm trying to get better.

I love you all!