Positive Thinking

1. I like how matter of fact I can be sometimes.
2. I like how I have a more active sense of humor than I let on.
3.I like how I have lost 30 pounds since June 12.
4. I like how I feel when my coworkers notice it without me telling them.
5. I like how Damien - a coworker - thinks I'm worth talking to and doesn't treat me like poo anymore.
6. I like how the Canadian says things like "I heart you soo much, and I know we don't get to talk too much these days, but I really do," when I need to hear them most.
7. I like how my friends had to go to planned parenthood after their second time ever having sex.
8. I like how Casey is going to take the pictural and turn it into tattoo-ish for my next tattoo.
9. I like how my eyes look when I put on just a smidge of brown eye shadow. So blue!
10. I like how things are starting to make more sense to me now that I have made at least a glimmer of a plan.
11. I like how soft my hair feels when it's freshly washed.
12. I like how I know I'm smart even if other aspects of my life have been having trouble refelcting it.
13. I like how I write poetry someimes.
14. I like how I'm artistic.
15. I like how I'm a perfectionist.
16. I like how I survived.

If you haven't gathered, this isn't a survey or anything like that, it's just a list of things I like about myself because I think we all need to sit down and write/type that out sometimes. I think too many of us lose sight of what's positive in our lives and let the negative hide it all away.

I had to remind myself of this tonight because as I was driving through Fort Thomas to drop off Casey after having dropped off Lisa I caught a glimpse of my father walking into the bar and he looked right at me. We made eye contact. It made me physically ill. I explained to Casey why this was because she had never heard and didn't understand how my relationship with him could be worse than Lisa's with her dad's and it's always a very tough subject to discuss.

I didn't realize it until recently, but I am a vtictim of child abuse in the least reported and sometimes most serious form: psychological.

Yeah, it's funny what therapists will help you see and realize about your life.
I was put down my entire life for one reason or another and I was never good enough for him, but dammit, I'm good enough for me.

Think positive.

That's what I'm going to try to do now.


~Evy




"No necesito la vida rica. Estoy contento contigo." ~Writing on the Wall by the Mad Caddies

London Calling

Keep the victims and the families of the victims of the terrorist attacks in London in your thoughts (and prayers, if that's your thing).

Plus, here are some moving quotes that this whole situation made me think of and forced me to put in someone else's journal:

"People who are willing to give up freedom for the sake of short term security, deserve neither freedom nor security." ~Benjamin Franklin

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." ~Theodore Roosevelt

And the lyrics from Goldfinger's song "Iron Fist":

Standing in the road and it's rush hour
Wishing I was far from this scene
Standing in the road and I'm freezing
It's hard to breathe

This morning I was dreaming of angels
Covered in the warmth of their wings
This morning was a different lifetime I've come to believe
So now I'm answering a million questions
Racking up my legal fees
Everyone's assuming I'm guilty

So now I'm watching as my house is raided
Like I'm some sort of terrorist
I thought that they were democratic, not an iron fist
More like an iron fist

Sitting on my couch like a leper
Interrogated sociopath
One hand is resting on their holster the other their staff
In my life I've been trained to respect them
Bred only to protect and to serve
Now I know they are paid by the wealthy
The meek won't be heard

If I become what they had taught me that is wrong
I lose allegiance to the country that I'm born
The country that I am born

I always knew that they would find nothing
No weapons, just a mind of my own
This country was built only on treason
These homes for the slaves
Homes for the slaves

I Agree with Your Politics, But Not Your Means of Conveyance

So remember how I was planning on going to Canada in like two weeks? Well, I'm not sure I want to go anymore. The general attitude I got tonight made my stomach feel not good about the situation and I'm not really sure I want to deal with it.

It may not be a great country, or a smart one, or an open-eyed one, or an open-minded one, or one that likes to learn from the past real well; it may be too idealistic in its belief that the president is only there to serve the interest of his country's people; and I may want to move away for a while to escape what's going on at the present, but it's my home and I can only take you telling me how much it sucks and how stupid its people are for so long. Have you forgotten that I'm a fucking American too? When you make blanket generalizations about my country, you are making them about me too.

On another note, we aren't like Nazi Germany in the way you indicated. Hitler chose that group because he held a personal prejudice and he made his country men believe that they were superior in all ways and thus those people deserved to die. We actually had a bit of a reason to fear people from Afghanistan. It may have been our very own fault those people felt the need to join a radical group and do what they did, but it left many of us shaken and scared. We didn't choose that group completely abritrarily, though I'm sure you would rebute with, "Well Hitler didn't think he did either." That's not the point, Jewish terrorists never attacked his country.

And I know, we did move over to Iraq real quick and with seemingly little need, but scared people will believe what they are told. I'm not saying that makes it right, but it happens.




PS I'm not a fan of being compared to a mindless Nazi either, even though I know that wasn't your intentions. It's hard for others to really understand why that upsets me so much but suffice it to say that I lost a best friend in childhood over that fact because her family wouldn't let her play with me anymore because I was a "Nazi child" and she was a little Jewish girl. Back then it saddened me, now it angers me because my uncle Bobby didn't get killed in WWII figting on this side so that I could get called a Nazi. That's why my family left the country when they did!

I know, I know, you weren't calling me a Nazi, but to this day that comparison, especially blanketly aimed at ALL American - of which I am one - just hits a nerve and makes me cringe.


~Evy