Just a generic update

Yeah, that's pretty much the worst title ever, but you all can deal with it. :-P

I guess I'll start with the morning and work my way until now.

This morning I was woken up at 6:45a by my mother. I had to drive her to work so I could have the car for the day. Normally I would have been okay, but I took my sleeping pill way later than nomral last night so I was still a bit groggy when it came time to drive her in. Thus, she drove herself there and I drove the car home. On the way back that way, after going home and changing, I saw a deer and the car that had hit it. So sad. :( But I still made it to my doctor appointment with plenty of time to spare. Which brings me to some interesting news: Dr. Fazlani asked me a ton of questiongs about how I'm feeling and if I'm improving and the like. We got really indepth with discussion of my anxiety and stress as well as my depression and physical health as well. He's glad to see that Dr. Patel (sleep specialist) put me on Trazadone to help me sleep since it is also an anti-depressant. He was also very "proud" to see that I'm working to really lose weight and have lost as much as I have already - any my blood pressure is waaaaaay lower too but that's also partially a function of my anxiety and depression subsiding some. Though all things are pointing to progress, he did, however, double my dosage of Lexapro again. He's hoping that by really hitting me hard with this dose as well as the Trazadone he'll be able to get me into clinical remission in the next month or two, regarding my mental health. He also thinks, that if I'm sure to get in all my vitamins and echinacea and the like, he should be able to get me to clinical remission with my physical ailments as well. This is super exciting news! But, until I'm close to 100%, he still wants to see me at least every 4 weeks. :-
Following this uplifting appointment, I decided to be proactive and make myself an appointment with the orthopaedic and sports medicine doctor in the office next door. I think I'm fairly pleased with this decision on my behalf. I mean, my shoulder has really started to flare up and cause me some problems again: It aches all the damn time, the joint is stiff, my range of motion is total crap, I'm always uncomfortable, it makes sleeping harder on my body, etc. I'm really hoping and praying I won't need surgery to get it working better, but the longer this goes on, the more likely of an option it becomes. :-P But, with this appointment, I'm hoping to figure out what needs to be done through MRIs and get to it to fix it. Also, I'm hoping to get my left hip looked at since it hasn't been quite normal since that fall freshman year.

Well, following these great adventures I headed to the gym to work out for a piece. I swear to god, the first 5 to 10 minutes I was on the eliptical, one of the male trainers was just staring at me. Tomorrow I'll know to wear a much more controlling sports bra. I mean, it's like the man had never seen boobs before. Yes, I have them. Yes, the are ample. No, I do not particularly care for you getting paid to oogle me while I'm trying to work out. Not cool. But at least it was a great work out. Thirty minutes, high gear, on the eliptical (2.23 miles and 418 calories) and another twelve on the treadmill to help me cool down (.48 miles and 40 calories), plus I did about 5-10 minutes on a bike, but I don't remember what I did because generally I hate those damn things. All told, it was an amazing work out and I felt great afterwards, so I'm going again tomorrow after I drop my mom off at work. :-D

The rest of my day was pretty uneventful: refilled my pill boxes (the one for night has 4 pills a day and the one for day has 9 = 13 pills a day!), ate a little something (though I don't have a real appetite today), took a nice nap, picked up my mom, lounged around reading the paper and lusting after all the great concerts that are coming to town, talked to my dad briefly enough that he knows I'm anticipating going to Zak's thesis show on Sunday and church with mom but will try to make brunch, and wrote this.

Now, after I grab a quick snack (one of my pills makes my tummy very upset if I don't take it with food) and take all my night time pills, I'm headed to read a bit and hit the hey.

Night kids!



Plans for weekend!!

Friday:
-take mom to work
-work out
-shower
-take brother to dad's
-pick mom up from work
-weigh-in
-run by half-priced books :-D
-maybe drop some stuff off at Plato's Closet (I like money!)
-maybe see Saves the Day at Bogart's

Saturday:
-hang around the house getting stuff done
-if the last two non concert items weren't accomplished Friday, do them
-work out
-read?
-???

Sunday:
-church with mom
-brunch with dad, Ian, and Frank (it's my dad's birthday)
-Zak's Thesis Presentation!
-???
-Grey's Anatomy

Single

I'm single again!

Thank god for mutual break ups.

Though, it was pretty clear that was where we were headed these last few days.

So, yeah.

My Dear Steve

I hate this, I honestly do.

I feel like I've already made the decision without even talking to you and that isn't what I wanted to do, but it's not my fault I haven't talked to you. You don't return calls or e-mails. You don't even IM me. You don't do anything to keep this healthy and active and I'm tired of feeling like I'm jumping through hopes to please you and to keep you from being too scared off or insecure. You have some major issues, buddy, and you need to learn to admit this openly and realize that you need help that you are currently unable to give to yourself. Admitting you have a problem and making steps to help it are the first signs of real emotional and life profress.

Why do you close yourself off so fiercly? I've met your family and they seem nice and loving, apart from you brother but even you admit he's definitely the black sheep. I just don't see what in your past made you like this. I understand you've felt the bitter sting of rejection, but we wouldn't be human if we hadn't and, while I generally don't like to compare pains such as this, I have to say mine bit a little harder than yours. That one incident can't really be what's shaping you into this person that you are now. And if it is, you have a very severe case of arrested development. How many years ago was that? That's what I thought.

I don't think that you realize how deeply what you are doing is hurting me. It's like we already are having nothing to do with each other and I don't want that. Even if I do what I'm beginning to think I must, I don't want that to be the end of it all. You are too precious to me. What you've meant to me in recent times is more than anyone has in a long time. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. I don't really know. I just know that right now, I need you to be the opposite of what you are. I need you to not push me to the very back of your mind. I need you to return my calls and e-mails. I need you to make some effort at the maintanence of this, whatever it has become.

I left because I was sick (mentally and physically) and scared of where I was headed and I wanted to get better, I wanted to be me again, that didn't mean I wanted you to act like I was never there in the first place.

I guess what I'm saying is, I love you and you are the first person I've felt this way about in a really long time. It's tearing me up that you are acting this way, no matter your reason, and it's something you should work on or I can't handle the stress and heartahce it's causing me any longer. I'm so happy when I'm with you, but this distance seems terrible and it's nothing like I thought it would be. Maybe when people asked me if we were breaking up while I was away I should have taken it as an omen that we would, and if we don't really talk about this this weekend, we are going to - by my hand. I'd rather have this temporary heart ache than deal with it in this unending cycle.

I love you, Steve, but even your friends think this is getting a bit ridiculous.

Carry On

I read a really good book last week. So good, I devoured it in just above 2 days.

Now, I have this longing to read something heavier, something that requires more thought. I want to read philosophy or history or maybe one of my psych books. Hmmm... maybe I'll try reading more of Nymphomania, it's a pretty good book, actually. I have some text books laying around too, maybe I'll actually really read one of them. Not only will I be getting ahead in classes for next semester, but it will help ease this desire I have to have to really think about something and process it.

I must be feeling better because I haven't had any desire to read anything, let alone something so heavy, in a very long time.

I love my LA counselor, she's amazing. She really is making this process easier and she is so encouraging that even when the scale shows little change, she manages to make me feel really great about it. Also, she's watching me like a hawk because she knows about my bad eat habits, since I told her, and she won't let me slip back into that again, which I appreciate.

And I don't want to do it, but if we don't figure out what's going on here next weekend, I'm going to have to because I can't take the extra heartache and stress from this while I'm trying to get better.

I love you all!