I just feel terrible.

It's not normal for me to feel as happy as I do all the time these days and it's wearing on me and, I feel, some of my friendships. I know they weren't always there and I know I never really expected to maintain friendship, but I got used to talking to them at least every couple of days and now it has been weeks. I feel terrible.

Am I a bad friend?

I feel like I am.




On a completely different note: There are some things that I appreciate hearing from time to time but that I don't think I will ever really be able to appreciate and I have a hard time believing.

I, like most any woman in the world, love to be told I am beautiful, pretty, or hot upon occassion, but when I hear it more frequently; when people jokingly call me hottie all the time; when peole jokingly act towards me like I'm hot shit constantly; and even when I he says it, I start to not enjoy it. It reminds me of everything I hate about myself and how I wish I could change it NOW. I don't want to feel the way I do anymore. I don't want to look like this anymore. I hate it!

I'm hoping that when I go home I'll get back on my birth control and that will help me with the skin issues because I never got pimples like this until after I quit taking it. I'm also praying that that will help with the terrible pain I get all the time in the area of my uterus. I want that to slow the darkening of my body hair. I want to lose the weight that I gained when I got sick.
You might not believe me, but I wasn't always this fat. I used to be trim and fit. I was never really skinney and I never got below a size ten, but I look damn good as a size ten and my body is firm and trim. I don't think it's too much to ask to be back there.

I'm trying, but the most I can lose is 15 and then I just stay here. I'm sorry body, but I am not going to take this as my set weight point. I'm not happy and I'm not healthy. I hate not being able to be as active as I used to be.

I am fat and I feel ugly. I realize that. This summer, I'm looking to change that.
That's all there is to it.


~Evy





"The greatest atrocities ever committed on this planet have been in the name of God. This country was founded by Puritans, for the expressed purpose of oppression-free worship. Your attitude is the same arrogant, fearful fundamentalism that fueled the hatred of the Crusades & the attacks on 9/11. If we are not allowed to worship God as groups & individuals free from persecution, in respectful Tolerance, there’s only one outcome..." ~Will Smith