Thank You, Disallusionment

If there is one feeling in the world I hate the most, it is the feeling of disallusionment. I have experienced my fair share of disappointments and negative feelings in my life time, I'm immune to both of them, but I will never get used to that feeling. It's that feeling of wanting to believe someone, but not being able to ever again. It's knowing the things someone has said and done and how those actions reflect an opposite image of what they have everyone else believing.

I'm trying so very hard to see the good in those people who have left me feeling disallusioned, but they are doing things on a daily basis that make me shudder and reaffirm my beliefs and doubts. Okay, not all of them are, just one at the current moment, the others have calmed down or taken a back seat. I'm sitting here and I want to believe what they say, but how can I when every other word is a lie or a half truth? How can I when I know they have hurt some of the people I care the very most about here? How can I when she comes to me crying because of the things they have been doing all along and she is just seeing? It makes me sick, and I don't like it.

I hate doubting people. I very much want to be an optimist; I want to see the best in everyone, but so much has left me tainted - perhaps streetwise - and I can't anymore. There are times when they are so nice and considerate and I feel like I can tell them everything, but I know in the end I'll only get burned again.

Tonight I tried taking the high road. I held my tongue. I didn't say what my immediate response was. I let it slide. And, I did something nice for them. Maybe I felt obligated to do it, but I always want to see everyone do their very best. If they can't do that without me, then I'm going to step in and push them forward. As soon as I did this thing, the words were so considerate to me and a friend - though they don't know she told me it. For the five minutes I was there and talking, I genuinely felt like things could get better, then I left and here I am again. Doubting.

It's a sad state to be in when you have been jerked around so often and so fiercely by one person that you can't trust what they say or do anymore. I've gotten to this point with them and I feel gross about it. I said something recently that I regreted the second it came out of my mouth, but I couldn't help it. Have you ever heard the story of the 'boy who cried wolf'? It's like that. I've heard it so many times and it has not been true, that when it is, I don't believe it anymore; and when it is, I know they are milking the situation because they have judged how people respond to them.

I guess what pushed me over the edge was the message that was left. Just because we don't respond to a plee for attention does not mean we do not care, it simply means that we aren't sure how to react anymore. You weren't the only one in turmoil, I promise.

Some of us have so much going on inside of us that we never let anyone else see; we slap a smile on our faces and are the shoulder for others' to cry on and infrequently ask for the favor to be returned. Day in and day out, we lie about how we feel and who we are to everyone around us to make them happy and to make them feel like they are not obligated to us. We are here for everyone else, but turn to noone else when we suffer. It is only when a friend reads your journal and reads in between the lines and really gives a damn that they can see it, and those are the friends we should really love and cherish.

And I do.

I don't want to see you hurting anymore because it hurts me too.


~Evy



"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou

Lesson

There are things in life that I learn, I already knew.


~Evy




"I wanna make you feel the way I feel when I'm with you. I wanna be the only hand you need to hold on to." ~When I'm with You by Simple Plan

I just feel terrible.

It's not normal for me to feel as happy as I do all the time these days and it's wearing on me and, I feel, some of my friendships. I know they weren't always there and I know I never really expected to maintain friendship, but I got used to talking to them at least every couple of days and now it has been weeks. I feel terrible.

Am I a bad friend?

I feel like I am.




On a completely different note: There are some things that I appreciate hearing from time to time but that I don't think I will ever really be able to appreciate and I have a hard time believing.

I, like most any woman in the world, love to be told I am beautiful, pretty, or hot upon occassion, but when I hear it more frequently; when people jokingly call me hottie all the time; when peole jokingly act towards me like I'm hot shit constantly; and even when I he says it, I start to not enjoy it. It reminds me of everything I hate about myself and how I wish I could change it NOW. I don't want to feel the way I do anymore. I don't want to look like this anymore. I hate it!

I'm hoping that when I go home I'll get back on my birth control and that will help me with the skin issues because I never got pimples like this until after I quit taking it. I'm also praying that that will help with the terrible pain I get all the time in the area of my uterus. I want that to slow the darkening of my body hair. I want to lose the weight that I gained when I got sick.
You might not believe me, but I wasn't always this fat. I used to be trim and fit. I was never really skinney and I never got below a size ten, but I look damn good as a size ten and my body is firm and trim. I don't think it's too much to ask to be back there.

I'm trying, but the most I can lose is 15 and then I just stay here. I'm sorry body, but I am not going to take this as my set weight point. I'm not happy and I'm not healthy. I hate not being able to be as active as I used to be.

I am fat and I feel ugly. I realize that. This summer, I'm looking to change that.
That's all there is to it.


~Evy





"The greatest atrocities ever committed on this planet have been in the name of God. This country was founded by Puritans, for the expressed purpose of oppression-free worship. Your attitude is the same arrogant, fearful fundamentalism that fueled the hatred of the Crusades & the attacks on 9/11. If we are not allowed to worship God as groups & individuals free from persecution, in respectful Tolerance, there’s only one outcome..." ~Will Smith

I hope tomorrow is like today.

Maybe that isn't quite accurate.

All in all it was a moderately good day, but now I feel slightly down and in the dumps. I always hate when this feeling comes up and sits down for no reason. I had an excellent time just sitting and laying in the sun with Jessie and Kate and talking to them like I haven't in ages. I thoroughly enjoyed dinner in the CDR - which hasn't happened in ages - and let quite satisfied. But, when I get into my room and sit here and think I start to feel down for no reason at all. Or maybe I do have a reason.

It's my dad's birthday today. I guess it got me thinking about how even if I was able to call him, I wouldn't want to. I just don't think I can handle being civil to him. I try so very hard, but it's a lot for me to manage when my life feels so good and comfortable and he always has something to say that brings me down. I don't even think he means to do it anymore, he just doesn't know how to go about things any other way. It's also very hard for me to talk to him because it reminds how much I miss my daddy. No, not my dad, my daddy.

Almost every child's hero is their daddy. Every little girl is a daddy's girl and every little boy wants to be like his old man, but there comes a point when we stop feeling that way or things change and we aren't allowed to feel that way anymore. For most people it is an easy transition from late childhood into the teen years, for me, it was a sharp jolt at the tail end of childhood. I came home one day to see police leaving and my dad telling me that he was sick and things weren't going to be the same. At the time it didn't click, I didn't realize what had happened, but in retrospect I know that was the moment when my hero came plummeting to the earth.

I wish I could say things got better, but they only got worse as I got older until I was unable to look my dad in the eyes, I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him, and I refused to let my friends meet him. Then we have his most recent escapades in losing every penny we ever had saved for my brother's and my education. Now when I force myself to go visit him I can't help but feel this rock in my stomach because of the deplorable conditions he's living in. It just hurts a lot to think that we once had a nice sized house in the best neighborhood and now he lives in a crappy, not furnished, dirty little apartment above a bar that blares music late into the night. It's something you might see in those documentaries of welfare families - and for a while we were one.

With all this in mind, I miss my daddy. I miss him so much and I just want him back. I want to be 5-years-old and I want my dad to be my hero.

Happy birthday, dad.

~Evy



"Sometimes when you lose, you win." ~Robbin Williams, What Dreams May Come