Thank You, Disallusionment

If there is one feeling in the world I hate the most, it is the feeling of disallusionment. I have experienced my fair share of disappointments and negative feelings in my life time, I'm immune to both of them, but I will never get used to that feeling. It's that feeling of wanting to believe someone, but not being able to ever again. It's knowing the things someone has said and done and how those actions reflect an opposite image of what they have everyone else believing.

I'm trying so very hard to see the good in those people who have left me feeling disallusioned, but they are doing things on a daily basis that make me shudder and reaffirm my beliefs and doubts. Okay, not all of them are, just one at the current moment, the others have calmed down or taken a back seat. I'm sitting here and I want to believe what they say, but how can I when every other word is a lie or a half truth? How can I when I know they have hurt some of the people I care the very most about here? How can I when she comes to me crying because of the things they have been doing all along and she is just seeing? It makes me sick, and I don't like it.

I hate doubting people. I very much want to be an optimist; I want to see the best in everyone, but so much has left me tainted - perhaps streetwise - and I can't anymore. There are times when they are so nice and considerate and I feel like I can tell them everything, but I know in the end I'll only get burned again.

Tonight I tried taking the high road. I held my tongue. I didn't say what my immediate response was. I let it slide. And, I did something nice for them. Maybe I felt obligated to do it, but I always want to see everyone do their very best. If they can't do that without me, then I'm going to step in and push them forward. As soon as I did this thing, the words were so considerate to me and a friend - though they don't know she told me it. For the five minutes I was there and talking, I genuinely felt like things could get better, then I left and here I am again. Doubting.

It's a sad state to be in when you have been jerked around so often and so fiercely by one person that you can't trust what they say or do anymore. I've gotten to this point with them and I feel gross about it. I said something recently that I regreted the second it came out of my mouth, but I couldn't help it. Have you ever heard the story of the 'boy who cried wolf'? It's like that. I've heard it so many times and it has not been true, that when it is, I don't believe it anymore; and when it is, I know they are milking the situation because they have judged how people respond to them.

I guess what pushed me over the edge was the message that was left. Just because we don't respond to a plee for attention does not mean we do not care, it simply means that we aren't sure how to react anymore. You weren't the only one in turmoil, I promise.

Some of us have so much going on inside of us that we never let anyone else see; we slap a smile on our faces and are the shoulder for others' to cry on and infrequently ask for the favor to be returned. Day in and day out, we lie about how we feel and who we are to everyone around us to make them happy and to make them feel like they are not obligated to us. We are here for everyone else, but turn to noone else when we suffer. It is only when a friend reads your journal and reads in between the lines and really gives a damn that they can see it, and those are the friends we should really love and cherish.

And I do.

I don't want to see you hurting anymore because it hurts me too.


~Evy



"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou